


The Weirdest Family in the Galaxy

by WDW



Category: Gravity Falls
Genre: Gen, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-06-22
Updated: 2017-09-03
Packaged: 2018-07-16 09:49:40
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,717
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7263031
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WDW/pseuds/WDW
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dipper and Mabel spend the summer of a lifetime in Gravity Falls, with their grumpy Grunkle Stan, who knows a lot more than he pretends to, and their weird Cousin Shifty, who might actually be a shapeshifting alien from outer space.  And adopted.</p><p>("You don't have to say he's from outer space if he's already an alien, Mabel." "But Dipper, it just doesn't sound as cool that way!")</p><p>Alternatively:  the Pines aren't just the weirdest family on the planet, they're the weirdest family in the galaxy.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. tourist trapped

**Author's Note:**

> Well, since I just finished writing a rough, rough draft for the ending of ATNS and I'm pretty stumped on my other series, here comes another fic. Good thing I already semi-planned out the whole fic (which I said for ATNS and /that/ will still take nearly a year to finish... shutting up now.) 
> 
> Inspired by every single piece of fanart for Dad Ford and his alien son Shifty, y'all know who you are. Heck, this can be considered a late Father's Day fic, since that's when I started writing it.
> 
> Takes a lot of liberties with canon and some with characterization - I mean, canon Shifty traumatized Ford for life. I'm also experimenting with writing style and POVs, because I haven't written Dipper and Mabel in AGES. The actual backstory will be hinted at by the character interactions in the present.
> 
> Credits to Sarielle, as always, for Shermaine Pines (who doesn't really appear much, but.)

When the bus finally - _finally!_ \- stops at the curb, Mabel has her whole face squished against the window. It's a little hard to breathe but the glass is slightly warm from the sun, and if she uses her imagination just a bit, it almost feels like she's outside already.

"Do you see them, Dipper?" She asks, voice hushed. "I can't see anything!"

Dipper glances over and recoils immediately. "Yuck, Mabel. Of course you can't, you smeared up the whole window!"

"Well, _duh,_ Dip-dop. What do you think I've been doing the whole time?" She squints for a second, then grins. "Hey, it kinda looks a smiley face. Boop, boop!" Mabel smeared two little fingertip-sized circles into her masterpiece. "Now it's got cute googly eyes!"

Her brother leans over her shoulder to peek outside, careful not to actually touch the oil marks on the glass. "Mabel, there's a weird old guy staring at us. That's Grunkle Stan, right? In the suit?"

Mabel looks. Dipper's right. He _is_ looking at them kinda weirdly. With his eyes all big and his mouth kind of open like that, Grunkle Stan looks like he's seeing the sun for the first time.

She shouts, as loud as she can. "Hey Grunkle Stan, it's me, Mabel! Why are you wearing a cup on your head? Oh, and Dipper's here too! Can you let us out? We've been here for _hooours_ -"

"Ow, Mabel," Dipper hisses, hands over his ears. "Too _loud_! I don't think he can hear us anyways, he's too far away. And the glass is too thick. Can we just wait? We're spending the whole summer with him anyways."

Mabel opens and closes her mouth a few more times, extra wide - she doesn't say anything, she just wants to see if Grunkle Stan would do anything different. But he looks at them the same way, just as confused, just as stunned, so maybe Dipper was right after all. Again.

"There's someone next to him," she says thoughtfully. "Dipper, do you think - ?"

Dipper scrambles over so fast, it's like he just jumped over. "It has to be," he says, voice hushed. Then, "he looks like Dad, kinda. If Dad grew his hair out to cover half his face. How does he _see_?"

"Hey, don't make fun of Cousin Shifty like that!" Mabel protests and punches her brother in the side, just a little. "It's a fashion statement, I bet. I see people with hair like that all the time, in Mom's magazines."

Dipper winces a little and rubs at his side a little, and she makes a mental note to tone it down a little next time. It wasn't Dip-dop's fault - Mabel hit _hard_ , even Grandma Shermy said so and she was Grandma _Shermy_.

"What is he _wearing_?" He says after a short pause. The floor jolted a little as the woman in the seat right in front of them hefted her luggage onto the floor and started inching her way out.

"Dipper…"

"No, Mabel, _look_."

She looks. Her smile tenses, just a little. "Oh," she says, a bit weakly, then a bit stronger, "I can - work with that."

"Mabel…"

"Cousin Shifty is _creative_ ," Mabel says confidently. "He has the spark in him, I can tell! He just needs a bit of help and advice. And maybe someone to set some limits. But the patient is treatable, and Doctor Mabel is on the case!"

"I'm not sure which of you I feel more bad for," Dipper says, shaking his head. He glances outside one more time. "Woah. I didn't know humans can _see_ that color."

* * *

Mabel had only seen her Grunkle Stan the one time, before she and Dipper came to Gravity Falls.

Once that she could remember, at least. Right before they got on the bus to Oregon, their mom mentioned that he had came down to Piedmont once before, when she and Dipper were born. It was weird for her to think about it because when he visited, Grunkle Stan had been a bit mean and just a little gross and put money in his shoes. She couldn't imagine him holding little her and little Dipper and not letting go, not until Grandma Shermy threw a pillow at him, the way their mom said he did.

But he never called Dipper by the wrong name, even back when their mom and dad were still a little weird about it. He had even taught both of them how to cheat at cards. Plus, Grandma Shermy said she had pictures of it all and that she was gonna keep them forever and ever. So maybe Mabel could believe it, after all.

Mabel had met Cousin Shifty for the first time too, that same Chanukah. But they didn't really talk. Not that Cousin Shifty talked to anyone, really. He just loomed.

Cousin Shifty wasn't Grunkle Stan's son, even though he lived with him in Gravity Falls. That confused Mabel at first, because as far as she knew, she only had one Grunkle. But after dinner, her and Dipper's parents had came to their room and told them that they needed to talk to them about some things. Serious things, because she and Dipper were older now. Because sometimes bad things happened, but what was important was that they learned from them.

A long time ago, Dipper and Mabel had another Grunkle. He was called Stanley, and decades before they were even born, he passed away because of a car accident. He was Grunkle Stan's twin brother, just like how Dipper was Mabel's. Great-grandma and Great-grandpa had both been very sad when it happened, and so was Grandma Shermy.

But the saddest person of all was Grunkle Stan, who went back to Oregon after the funeral and didn't come back down for a long, long time after. Mabel understood why. If anything bad happened to Dipper, if she accidentally _let_ anything bad happen to Dipper - well, Mabel didn't think she would be okay ever again.

When Grunkle Stan finally came down to Piedmont again, Cousin Shifty was with him. He didn't give any details other than that Shifty was his nephew, and the rest of the family made their own conclusions.

It was sad, Mabel thought, that Cousin Shifty only got to know his dad for a few years before he was gone. If Mabel lost _her_ dad, she would do anything to get him back, and keep trying and trying even if everyone said it was impossible.

(This was when Dipper and Mabel's parents had got all quiet, and their dad said, "Kids, this is the important part."

When Stanley was just a few years older than Dipper and Mabel were now, he made a mistake. It wasn't a big one in the scale of things, but because of that mistake, Great-grandpa told him to leave the house and not to come back for a long, long time. He did, but he never did go home again. He passed away in the car crash before he could. That was why no one in the family talked about him, because his mom and dad, even Grandma Shermy and Grunkle Stan, blamed themselves for him passing away so young.

"That's why," their mom said seriously, the usual glint of humor in her eyes gone, "your father and I wanted to let you two know that it doesn't matter what happens. It doesn't matter if you made a mistake, even if it's a big one. We are your parents, and we love you. We might be a bit slow to change sometimes, but we are always on your side. Please remember that."

"You won't - tell us to leave?" Dipper had asked. He looked worried. "Like what happened to Grunkle Stanley?"

Their dad squeezed them hard. "Never.")

Maybe that was why Shifty acted so _weird_. He always slouched, a bit bent over like a praying mantis, and his voice was weirdly deep. Almost as deep as Grunkle Stan's. He didn't know any of the traditions, but it made sense because Grunkle Stan didn't seem like he celebrated anything very much anyways. He didn't blink, at least according to Dipper - Mabel had no idea why he was so sure, especially since neither of them had ever seen his eyes. Even his name was weird - it was a nickname, but no one knew Shifty's real name. And no one knew _why_ he was called Shifty, other than the obvious fact that he was, well, shifty looking. Strangest of all, he had six fingers on his left hand and just five on the other.

And sometimes, he ate things that he shouldn't. One time, Cousin Shifty had eaten three bugs and earned five dollars from a gaggle of enthusiastic younger cousins (Mabel included) before Grunkle Stan came out of the house and told him that while he approved of his business sense, he wasn't getting on the Stanmobile back home if he stuck another bug in his mouth.

Most of all, Shifty was a mystery, and Dipper was all about solving mysteries. So, even though the two of them were heading out into the middle of nowhere to stay with Grunkle Stan for the whole summer, her brother was still a little excited for the chance to figure Cousin Shifty out.

Mabel was just along for the ride - mostly. She was curious too, just a bit. But mostly, she was here because her bro-bro needed her. After all, who knows what Dipper would get himself into without her?

* * *

Or maybe, the bigger question was what Mabel could get herself into without _Dipper_. It turned out the answer to that was, a whole lot. As in, 'getting kidnapped by gnomes and forced to be their queen,' a lot. In hindsight, Norman _had_ been kind of a weirdo. Maybe that jam wasn't jam after all.

It had been a long, long day. Fighting a giant gnome made out of hundreds of smaller gnomes took a lot out of a person, and with all the excitement and adrenaliine gone, Mabel's various cuts and bruises were starting to hurt. Just a little.

Dipper still held onto the journal he found, tightly, like his life depended on it. Maybe it did - he said that was how he found out that Mabel was in trouble. But then she had been the one to figure out that the gnomes were afraid of leafblowers, so.

Grunkle Stan hadn't noticed the giant gnome monster right outside the Shack or Dipper yelling for help, but he had gave her and Dipper some cool stuff. Well, _she_ got something cool. A grappling hook! She had always wanted to own something sharp and metal and shooty. And Dipper's hat was okay too, maybe. She just wished he didn't have to cover his forehead all the time.

She's almost halfway up the stairs when Dipper stops suddenly in his tracks. "Ow!" Mabel says as she bumps against him roughly - or more specifically, the hardcover journal he had suddenly shoved against his back. "Dipper, what the heck?"

He's looking up, and she looks up too. Cousin Shifty's standing at the top of the staircase, an unreadable expression on his face.

"Um," says Dipper. "We're just - going back to our rooms. We're really tired and everything, Grunkle Stan really put us to work today.." Mabel presses forward just a bit, so the journal is sandwiched between her and Dipper in a way that no one can see it.

"Was it the gnomes?" Shifty asks, staring so intensely at the bruise on Dipper's face that Mabel felt uncomfortable, just a bit.

"Yeah, they took Ma -" Her brother says without thinking, and then stops. "Wait. Wait, _what_?"

Cousin Shifty nods once. "I'll talk to Jeff," he says, and there's a promise in that. Though, the tone of his voice makes it hard for Mabel to believe that he has actual talking in mind. He walks forward before either of them could react and squeezes past them easily in an oddly fluid movement.

"Jeff -" Dipper blinks. "Like the gnome that just kidnapped _Mabel_ , Jeff?"

But their cousin had already disappeared from sight. "What is _up_ with that guy?" Her brother asks, to one in particular. "How much does he _know_ about this town?"

"Whatever's weird about him, it can wait till tomorrow, Dip-dop," Mabel says, and she can't help sounding a bit tired because she _is_. "We're staying in the Shack the whole summer! You'll figure out what's up with him sooner or later."

Dipper's quiet for a little bit, and Mabel can see the exact moment he gives in. "Yeah, I guess," he says reluctantly, and with one last backwards glance, he starts walking up the stairs again.

Mabel isn't so sure. Cousin Shifty was weird, no doubt about it. But everyone was kind of weird in the Pines family, and he barely ranked top three. Problem was, Dipper always got worked up about these things, and then he would mope around for a few days when he found out he was wrong.

Like after Grandma Shermy had to explain that Grunkle Stan wasn't _actually_ a Sasquatch, she just called him one because he was really hairy. Or, when it turned out that their kindergarten teacher wasn't a shapeshifting alien in disguise, she just had a cold. Though Mabel was never sure how Dipper figured out she wasn't one. It's not like it was something you can prove.

And then, she got an idea. _The_ idea _._

* * *

"Cousin Shifty, can you do me a favor? It's about Dipper." 


	2. legend of the gobblewonker (pt. 1)

Grunkle Stan looks excited _,_ Mabel thinks, chewing on the piece of burnt pancake in her mouth, and she suddenly feels a little worried. Even though she and Dipper had only been in town for a few days now, Mabel has really good instincts.

Well, that, and because the last time Grunkle Stan looked like this, the whole Pines family had almost spent the night in the county jail. Everyone but Cousin Shifty, because he was slippery like that. Though, Mabel still isn't too sure about _how_ \- he had been there one second, and gone the next. _What can I say?_ Grunkle Stan had said, something like pride flickering over his grizzled face as Shifty paid off their bail with counterfeit bills. _I taught that kid everythin' he knows!_

Mabel doesn't doubt it. Grunkle Stan always acts like a grumpy old man, and he kinda is one. But not only did he know many things (most of them at least slightly illegal) he always wanted to share them. Wendy told her the other day that Grunkle Stan had taught her how to hotwire a car last year ( _I mean, just in theory. And heck, it could come in handy one day. Like if the end of the world happens or something, I don't know,_ ) and Soos knows almost as much about robbing people blind as Grunkle Stan did, even though he's too nice to actually _use_ it.

"Kids," says Grunkle Stan with obvious glee, "guess what day it is?" In lieu of a reply, Cousin Shifty chugs down another glass of orange juice and reaches for more.

"Um," says Dipper slowly, and then there's a kinda evil glint in his eye. "...Happy anniversary?"

Grunkle Stan chokes a little, Shifty's flat expression quirks upwards but before anyone gets the chance to say anything, there's a sharp, terse knock on the door and everyone at the table goes quiet. For a moment, everyone in the family stares at each other with their eyes wide, waiting for someone else to stand up and get the door.

It takes a few seconds for sides to be chosen and lines to be drawn, but finally every pair of eyes falls on Shifty, who lets out a long-suffering sigh.

But he gets up anyways and walks out of the kitchen without saying a single word. Grunkle Stan shouts after him, "If it's the IRS again, tell them I'm dead!"

Mabel hears the door open, a long pause, and then Cousin Shifty says, voice carefully flat, "It's Tate."

"Oh," says Grunkle Stan knowingly, after a beat. "Well, what are ya waitin' for? I still got a bit of pancake mix, I'll cook him up a stack."

Shifty walks back in, followed by a stranger, one who looks a _lot_ like Cousin Shifty, right down to the lanky frame and grim expression. His eyes are hidden under the brim of his Gravity Falls Ranger hat.

"Children," Cousin Shifty says, just a little awkwardly. "This is my human brother. Tate."

Tate holds up a single hand in an apathetic wave. Dipper and Mabel turn to stare at each other, eyes equally wide in shocked horror.

Mabel doesn't know what to say. Mom and Dad had never mentioned a cousin named Tate, nor did Grandma Shermy or anyone else. And Cousin Shifty does make really bad jokes, but the new guy looks too much like Shifty for her to just laugh it off like that. For a long moment, she tries to think of an explanation and comes up completely blank.

"We… have another cousin?" Dipper asks blankly, his voice tentative. "But then, why haven't we heard anything about him before?"

"It's a complicated situation, kid," Grunkle Stan explains, and turns away. "You stayin' for breakfast, Tate?"

"Naw," Cousin (?) Tate says with a shake of his head. His words roll a bit, with the slightest tinge of an accent Mabel had never heard outside of old westerns. "I just came over to have a word with Shifty here."

Shifty tenses next to him at that, his back stiffening like someone had put ice down his neon-green shirt. When he isn't slouching like that, he's _tall_ \- maybe even taller than Grunkle Stan. "He called, didn't he."

"Just last night," Tate confirms quietly, and Dipper and Mabel still have no idea what's going on. "Said he cleared up some room in his schedule, but just for a coupla days. He, uh. He says he wants to talk to you again -"

"I," Cousin Shifty bites out, and he sounds so mad that for a moment, Mabel thinks he might actually start hissing like a kitty cat, "will not speak to - that man. I refuse. He has had many an opportunity to make his amends and _still_ he pretends that he is -"

It's more words than he's said for the entire few days Dipper and Mabel had been in Gravity Falls, and it catches them by surprise for a moment. Shifty talks oddly, his inflections archaic and vocabulary extensive, like he had learned how to speak completely from watching those old sci-fi movies Mom pretended she didn't completely love.

"Come on, Shifty. He's got some issues, I'm not sayin' he doesn't, but he sure ain't pretendin' -"

"Shut it," Grunkle Stan interrupts. His tone is mild, definitely nicer than he usually is, but there's a look in his eyes that stops them in their tracks. "Go sort this out outside, boys. I already got enough to explain to these kids without you two worrying 'em even more."

 

* * *

 

After they leave, their Grunkle sighs deeply. For the first time, he sounds really, _actually_ tired, and even though he's been complaining about back aches and joint pains for the whole time they've been here in Gravity Falls.

"Those two and Soos… two decades ago, those twerps would've burned down the damn Shack if I wasn't careful. These days, they'd probably wreck the whole town." He eyes them expectantly. "Well? Don't pretend like I don't see ya two starin'."

Dipper breaks first. "Grunkle Stan, who's ' _he_ '?" He demands, a light in his eyes that he only gets when he smells a mystery. "Are they talking about a member of a secret government agency, sent to investigate this town? Or - a detective, with a specialty in the supernatural?"

"Nah, none of those. I told ya, kid. There's nothing supernatural in this town, 'cept maybe the pie over at Greasy's." Stan scratches at a pimple on his nose. "They're talking about their old man."

"Their… dad?" Mabel asks, scrunching her nose hard as she deciphers the old people speak. "You mean Grunkle _Stanley_?"

Grunkle Stan winces. "Uh. Nah. Their other dad, not Stanf- uh, Stanley."

She stares, mouth opening wider and wider in slow realization. Ohmigosh. Ohmi _gosh_.

"Grunkle Stan, you're telling us that we have _another_ Grunkle?" Mabel asks, hushed. Then after a beat of silence from Stan she exclaims in triumph, "Dipper! We have another Grunkle!"

Dipper doesn't reply at first, looking more surprised than happy. "Um," he says finally.

"Grunkle Stan," she says again, seizing the opportunity. "Were he and Grunkle Stanley married? Were they cute together? Were -" And then Mabel put a hand over her mouth, because now that she thinks about it… it was so _sad_. She had known for years that Grunkle Stanley passed away a long time ago, but it seemed so far away that she never really thought about the people he had left behind.

"No, sweetie. They weren't. It was… a different time and, uh. Not everything was as nice as it could've been," Grunkle Stan says carefully, the way grown-ups do when they think she's too young to know the whole truth about something.

He must see the crushed expression on Mabel's face, because he adds, "But uh… and I wasn't around to know for sure, just t' clarify, but knowing those two nerds - they must've been a regular old married couple type. Y'know, the ones with a house, picket fence, two kids -"

Mabel beams. "- and a dog?"

"Maybe. Sure. There's a big ol' black dog who still hangs around here once in a while. She's a real sweet pup, might've been theirs."

That sounds promising, even though there's something that nags at her, something slightly foreboding about big black dogs. She ignores it. "But Grunkle Stan," Mabel says slowly, "if Shifty's dad is visiting Gravity Falls to see him and Cousin Tate, shouldn't he be happy? But he just stormed out, and Cousin Tate didn't even get his pancakes, and -"

"Shifty's got… a real complicated relationship with his pa. Can't say much more than that, but you'll see sure enough." Stan shakes his head. "Don't get me wrong. I might not agree with everythin' McGucket did, but when it comes down to it, he's a real decent guy. But Shifty… that kid doesn't forget and forgive easily. He's been holding a grudge for years."

"...McGucket?" Dipper repeats, stunned. " _Fiddleford_ McGucket, the founder of McGucketsoft?"

"Sure, that's the guy." Stan scratches at his nose. "He's got this huge family - Shifty and I visited 'em down in Arkansas, this one time. Every kid there's got a name just as ridiculous, if ya can believe it."

Dipper doesn't look like he heard him - in fact, her brother looks like he's about to fall over from shock any second now. "But, he - he singlehandedly revolutionized the whole _field_ of personal computers! His technologies are decades ahead of everyone else's - he must've pushed forth innovation by a - a whole fifty years, at the least! Mabel, do you know what this _means_?"

The name's a little bit familiar, and then she remembers seeing it on the news, when a kindly old man with a modest beard had taken the podium. "...Our new Grunkle's a billionaire?"

"Yes! No! Well, okay, yes, but what's more important is -"

He's interrupted by a loud, whirring sound that passes through the Shack almost like a physical being. The walls vibrate, some dust gets jostled off of the ceiling, and the orange juice falls over and spills since Cousin Shifty had been drinking straight from the carton right before he left and forgot to put the cap on.

"Well," says Grunkle Stan, completely nonplussed. "Unless the aliens out there are finally invading, that should be him. You two wanna meet him?"

Dipper's screech almost puts out Grunkle Stan's hearing aid.

 

* * *

 

( _There's one thing I don't get,_ her brother whispers to her in the minutes between, as their newest Grunkle unloaded his luggage from his personal helicopter (!!) and talked to Stan outside. _Why did Shifty call Tate his_ human _brother? Is it a reference to a movie or something?_

Mabel shrugs. _Maybe it's another one of his weird jokes,_ she says, carefully keeping her excitement from her voice.

 _No, I think he was serious,_ Dipper says, almost awed at his own realization. _Mabel, do you think he's… No, I was_ right _, there_ is _something weird about Shifty. And I'm gonna find out_ what. There's stars in his eyes as he thinks about it, and that night he starts making a new conspiracy wall with all kinds of papers and red threads.

Dipper's confused and curious and wondering, but most importantly, he's _happy_. All according to plan, she thinks, and has to fight the urge to laugh evilly.

Her brother loved mysteries and looked for them where none existed. But whenever things didn't turn out like he hoped, Dipper got sad and moped around to the point even _Mabel_ couldn't cheer him up. She hates that, hates seeing her brother so miserable and having no way to help. And this time, he thought there was something weird about Cousin Shifty, and Mabel didn't have the heart to tell him that it was just how Shifty _was_. But if Cousin Shifty only just played along…

Shifty had stared at her for a long, long time when she asked him to do it. _You_ , he said haltingly, a blank expression on his face, _want me to pretend to be a -_ and then he had made a face.

 _A shapeshifting alien_ , Mabel said, just off the top of her head. _Or a slime monster. Or something else, anything you want to be, even a werewolf! I can make you a costume and everything!_

 _Did,_ he said slowly, _Stan_ say _anything to you?_

She shook her head, a little confused. _No, I just thought…_ Mabel said haltingly. Cousin Shifty didn't look happy at all - had she made him mad? She didn't mean to.

Cousin Shifty looked vaguely mollified, but still uncomfortable. _Cousin_ , he said awkwardly, _I -_

 _You can just call me Mabel, Cousin Shifty!_ Mabel exclaimed, and then went quiet. _But, um. It's okay if you don't want to do it. Seriously. I just wanted to -_

 _Mabel,_ Cousin Shifty said finally, _I do not think this is a good idea._

 _It's just,_ she said slowly, _Dipper always wants to investigate mysteries. Except, now looking for weird stuff can put him in big danger, but he gets really sad when he can't. So, I just… Maybe if he has a mystery to solve_ here _, something that won't get him into trouble, then maybe he'll be safer. I know you and Grunkle Stan don't believe us, but there's all kinds of stuff in those woods and I get a bit_ worried _-_

 _I understand_ , Shifty said leadenly, his mouth pressed into a grim frown. He looked as if he had suddenly remembered something, something not good at all.

And then he sighed. _What do you need me to do?_

Mabel beamed.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> as it turned out, this fic will be laxer with structure than i thought. this will be part one of two for this episode, and next chapter we shall meet this AU's fiddleford and see some Pines-McGucket family bonding!
> 
> ALSO. IMPORTANT.
> 
> I'll be going to the 'Farewell to the Falls' Gravity Falls Exhibition at Nucleus Gallery in LA, and I don't know if I'll have any RL friends going for sure. So I would love it if I could meet up with any of you there! It doesn't have to be weird, I just want to meet new (?) friends.


	3. legend of the gobblewonker (pt. 2)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> NO ONE ASKED FOR THIS BUT HERE IT IS, BACK

Mabel likes her and Dipper's new Grunkle on sight. He looks small next to Stan even though he's not short at all, and he has a full white beard like Santa Claus. There's a pair of glasses perched precariously on his nose and he doesn't really have a chin, but the kindness on his face is the feature that really stands out.

(He looked just like Shifty and Tate, with the same kind of wiry body shape, the same shape of nose. Which… was just a little bit _weird_ , since Shifty looked just as much like Grunkle Stan and Dipper and Mabel's own dad.

"That… doesn't really make sense," Dipper whispers, slow and hesitant. " _Unless_ … Mabel, do you think... either of them are like m -"

Mabel elbows him. "C'mon Dipper, you know better than to care about how! _Nothing's_ stronger than the power of -"

"Mabel?"

"No, love!")

When he sees her and Dipper, his blue eyes brighten.

Grunkle Fiddleford smiles at them, and drops to one knee like he's used to talking to people who are a lot shorter than him. He sticks out a hand. "Hello there! You two must be Dipper and Mabel," he says, cheerful and... careful, articulate, every consonant sharply defined. Not like the gruff drawl of Grunkle Stan at all.

 _Just a little boring_ , Mabel admits in the privacy of her own mind.

Mabel shakes Grunkle Fiddleford's hand. His grip is strong and feels like old people skin, slightly leathery like Stan's, but harder, callused in a way that didn't fit the softness of his expression.

Next to her, Dipper makes a choking noise. "Fiddleford McGucket knows my _name_ ," he mutters in distant awe, eyes glazed over.

The old man furrows his eyebrows when he turns to Dipper, but he doesn't press or mention the way Dipper is slightly vibrating. It immediately earns a few points in Mabel's eyes.

"Sure do!" Grunkle Fiddleford agrees. "Stan here has told me plenty about the both of you."

Both twins stiffen like a board. "We plead the fifth," they recite simultaneously. After a beat, Dipper adds, "Deputy Durland told us nothing would go on our permanent records."

"Not unless we commit another misdemeanor with a sixty day period!" Mabel finishes cheerfully.

Grunkle Fiddleford looks pained, but utterly unsurprised. He gives Grunkle Stan a Look.

"...It was a learning experience?" Stan defends half-heartedly. " 'S a life skill, navigating the American penal system. Might as well start 'em off with harmless Blubs and Durland inna little podunk town like Gravity Falls before they have to -"

"They're _twelve years old_ ," their other grand-uncle says flatly, looking the most unhappy Mabel's seen him. The perfect syllables of his pronunciation seemed to crumble more the faster and more emotional he got, and the more he talked, the more he sounded like Tate. "They shouldn't be worryin' 'bout their permanent criminal records! What d'ya have these kids doin' anyways?"

"Uh. Light bit of forgery?"

Grunkle Fiddleford takes a deep, deep breath. He pinches at the bridge of his nose. "I don't understand," he says, strained. "Not now, not all them decades back. This town is no place for children -"

"I see you have returned, _McGucket._ "

Mabel jolts. She doesn't recognize the voice for a moment, booming and deep as it is, like one of the really dramatic villains from Dipper's favorite shows. It lands with an impact that's almost physical, and she doesn't think she imagined the wince on the face of the old man in question.

Cousin Shifty stands dramatically around the corner of the Mystery Shack, finger pointed directly at his dad, and even though Mabel can't see his eyes at all she gets the sharp impression that he's glaring hard.

It would be more intimidating (that is, at all) if he wasn't standing in direct daylight, wearing a neon pink tank top with sparkles.

"Hey dad," Tate says from where he's standing right next to him, hands stuffed deep in his pockets. "It's been almost a year, yeah?"

"About so, I reckon," Grunkle Fiddleford says regretfully. "I… would've come to see ya'll sooner, there was just a breakthrough in the innovation labs, then there was a whole mess with the patent for the teleportation platform, and - well. Excuses don't make it right."

He smiles self-deprecatively, slow and small. "I've missed you boys."

"I have no use for your worthless words," Shifty announces. He's still pointing his finger and it doesn't look like he's planning on putting it down anytime soon, even though it's starting to look really awkward. "You should have stayed away, McGucket. You will not convince me to leave Gravity Falls - not then, not now. I have no desire to _forget_."

"... I'm not here to try an' convince ya," Fiddleford says reluctantly, the careful formality dropping from his voice. "I'm - I'm tellin' the truth, son. It's… just been a long while since I've last seen ya, and I thought -"

"Not long enough." Shifty's expression shows sharp teeth. "I wish to see you when you are willing to do what needs to be done. No sooner."

"Junior, I -"

Cousin Shifty does a weird kind of whole body twitch. " _Do not call me that_."

The old man winces, a genuine look of pain on his face. "That's the name we gave ya."

"That is the name _he_ gave me," Shifty growls, like _actually_ , as if he had stepped right out of a werewolf movie. "You lost all rights to it when you left him for lost."

Tate looks distinctly uncomfortable. "C'mon Shifty, not this again -"

(And Mabel's eyes widen a bit at that, because as confused as she was -

_Did… did Cousin Shifty blame Grunkle Fiddleford for his dad passing away?)_

"...I _tried_ , Junior." There's something like grief in Grunkle Fiddleford's voice, a tremble of emotion that wasn't there before. "Ya know I tried. But there was no convincin' him. There was... no convincin' either of you."

"Then you should have _stayed_!" Shifty roars, rearing up in a way that makes him look a lot bigger, a lot more dangerous, pink tank top and all. Out of the corner of Mabel's eyes, she sees Grunkle Fiddleford take a single step back. "It was only after your abandonment that he -"

"Whelp, that's enough of that!" Stan announces cheerfully and slams a fishing hat on top of Shifty's head, breaking the tension and sending him into a flurry of vicious writhing and spluttering.

"Uncle _-_ "

"Far as I'm concerned, this has been happenin' every da-rn time you two have seen each other for the past twenty-odd years," Stan says, entirely nonplussed. "Sort it out with your pops on your own time, kid. Today is Family Fun Day, and that doesn't look anything like a wholesome bondin' activity to me. And lower your finger, you're gonna put someone's eye out."

With his other hand, he produces an entire stack of fishing hats. Mabel pales when she sees her and Dipper's (Dippy's?) names embroidered on two of them.

"How does fishin' sound? All of us on a boat together for ten hours, catchin' dinner!"

No one says anything for a long moment, not even Cousin Shifty. They're all united in the face of a greater evil.

"That… sounds like a really horrible idea, actually," Dipper says flatly.

"I have work," Tate mutters, a bit too quickly.

Shifty just hisses.

"I… actually have something else in mind," Grunkle Fiddleford says slowly, like he actually, _genuinely_ regrets not going on a ten-hour fishing trip with Stan. "If I remember correctly, the seafaring automaton I built several decades back is still molderin' away in one of the caves on the lake. I was hopin' to make some repairs, see if there's anythin' worth salvaging maybe take it out for a test run -"

Dipper and Mabel turn in perfect unison, mouths open.

"Grunkle Fiddleford," Mabel exclaims, sparkles in her eyes, "you built a _giant robot_?"

"Well, more or less," Fiddleford allows with a grimace. "I just have some bad memories associated with that particular phrasin' -"

The twins lock eyes. The decision is made. Positions are set.

Twin coordination is a _go._

"Dr. McGucket, can Dipper and I _please please please_ come with you?" Mabel begs, hands clenched, puppy dog eyes turned up to maximum.

"That - that really depends on your grand-uncle, kids -"

"It's really okay if we can't," Dipper adds, voice small, tilting his head just so in a way that casts his face in shadow. "It's just… we've never seen _anything_ like that before, and it sounds so _cool -_ " Grunkle Fiddleford turns wide, helpless eyes to Stan, who groans.

"I can see what you're doing, kids."

"We have no idea what you're talking about, Grunkle Stan," Mabel says innocently.

"Uh-huh," Stan says flatly, looking between her and Dipper with an unreadable emotion in his eyes. Something sad.

His mouth turns down slightly. "...Ya kids sure you're makin' the right decision here? Messin' around with some rusty scrap metal, when ya could be learnin' all kinds of useful things! Like tyin' knots. Or gettin' out of 'em, _always_ useful."

Stan pulls a hook out of his pocket with one hand and digs around fruitlessly with the other. "Or, uh. Skewering worms?"

"Ah," Shifty says slowly, slightly guiltily. "The worms were for the skewering?"

"...No worm skewering," Stan says without missing a beat. "But still plenty of useful life knowledge from your Grunkle Stan, like - uh, I'll think of somethin'. So whaddya say, kids? I'll even throw in some quality jokes!"

Dipper's eye twitches slightly.

"I… think we'll pass, Grunkle Stan," Mabel says diplomatically. "Maybe next time."

Stan sighs, but doesn't look at all surprised. "Looks like it's you and me, kid," he says, turning to Shifty. "Just like old times. Unless…?"

Out of the corner of Mabel's eyes, Grunkle Fiddleford perks up.

"I will capture the fish with you, Uncle," Shifty says with great weight, turning away purposefully from the hopeful look on his dad's face. "I greatly enjoyed consuming the flesh of last year's harvest."

"...Uh, yeah," Stan says blankly, looking as if he regretted his decision already. "Same here."

 

* * *

 

It's really no surprise that Mabel and Dipper have a lot of questions - about Shifty, about Grunkle Fiddleford, about the giant robot that's apparently been stored in a cave on the other side of the lake, _everything_. So it's actually really _really_ impressive that they keep quiet for so long, all the way until Grunkle Fiddleford pulls up the small motorboat right next to a big, humongous, gi _gan_ tic tarp-covered lump.

"Wow," Dipper whispers, eyes wide in the darkness. "I mean, I knew it was big, I just didn't realize it was _this_ big. How did you get all the parts for this, Dr. McGucket?"

"Oh, just - odds and ends," the old man answers somewhat unconvincingly as he anchors their boat to shore. "Don't let the size fool ya, this thing looks more impressive than it really is."

The tarp is tugged off with the pull of a lever and Mabel _stares,_ a single hand raised to her mouth, a spark of electric _something_ racing through her veins.

"Why… why does it look like a sea monster?" Dipper asks blankly, looking up up _up_ and into the giant robot's whiskery face. "Not that it's bad or anything, but - _why_?"

Grunkle Fiddleford shrugs haplessly. "I… really don't have an answer for ya there. I had a few… difficult years, back when I made this thingamajig here. No rhyme or reason, I'm afraid."

"I think it's _perfect_ ," Mabel announces, and leans forward to lick a long vertical stripe right on the robot's surface.

It tastes _weird_ , not even because of the taste (kind of metal-ly, mostly salty in a way that made her wonder about the what the lake was like the last time it was in the water) but because of the _texture_ , which was soft and spongey and not at all like what Mabel was expecting. Because the way Grunkle Fiddleford talked about it, she thought it was all made of metal, like those square _beep-boop_ robots that she had seen on TV.

Those were boring, just like everything else that made complete and perfect sense. Dipper liked to explain how things worked, map out the circuits and draw out the lines of motion, but those just didn't feel interesting. What happened to creativity? Where was the _mystery_?

This didn't make sense at all. Not even a little bit. Why make something like this? What use did it have?

Mabel _loves_ it.

When she looks back around, both Grunkle Fiddleford and Dipper are staring.

"Mabel, you have no idea where that's been! _"_ Dipper exclaims, clearly grossed out. "Why did you _lick_ that?"

"I just wanted to see what it was made of, Dip-Dop!" She protests.

"Couldn't you have just -" He gestured wildly. "- touched it? What if you get sick or something?"

Mabel shrugs. "I don't feel sick. And it doesn't work as well just by touching, Dipper. I had to be sure, you _know_ that!"

"...Yeah, I do," Dipper mutters. "But it's different now, we're in front of -" He glances over a little, in the direction of Grunkle Fiddleford.

...Who's looking at Mabel, almost staring, with an emotion that she really can't read. He breaks into a sheepish smile when he notices her looking back. "Ya really don't have to explain yourself ta me, sweetheart. I - knew someone who'd do the same thing, a long, long time ago."

He looks somewhere to the left of Mabel's head, eyes glazed over with what must be memories.

"...Really not the best kind 'f quirk ta have while doing fieldwork, but _somehow_ he survived the year without poisonin' himself. Not for any lack of effort on his part. Show him anythin' strange or out 'f the norm and he'd have his tongue on it in no time at all. Man would've licked a skunk if no one stopped him."

Mabel's eyes widen. "Hey, _I_ would lick a skunk if no one stopped me!"

What if the black parts tasted different than the white parts? How _else_ would people figure that out?

"Please don't lick a skunk, Mabel," Dipper pleads.

She ignores him.

"I think I like your friend a lot, Grunkle Fiddleford," Mabel says earnestly, because she really really _does_. Not even Dipper really gets it, not everything. "Do you think I can meet him one day?"

Grunkle Fiddleford goes quiet, in the careful kind of way that her and Dipper's parents do when they ask something they wouldn't like the answer to.

"No, sweetheart," he says at last. "I don't think so."

 

* * *

 

( _Several miles away_ :

The kid's sulking. It's easy to tell, even though he doesn't have anything close to a human face on. Something in the way he's perched, birdlike, on the other end of the dinky little boat they had set sail on. Or in the furrow of the white, slightly translucent flesh between his eyes, or the twist of his fanged mouth-hole at the tip of his snout.

...Stan's getting a bit too good at this.

They're in a patch of unclaimed water, far from any probing eyes. Which is perfect, because there's a seven-foot-tall creature in his boat that looks like a cross between a praying mantis and a mealworm, and Stan's not exactly enthused about explaining to anyone how that's his nephew.

It had been strange enough going through the process firsthand.

"You gonna catch anything or not?" He asks at last. "You've been squatting there for nearly two hours, kid, and you've said exactly half a dozen words."

"You defended him," Shifty rumbles in a way that vibrates the whole boat.

Stan winces. "Well, I wasn't trying to. I get it. I really do. But… just not in front of the kids, yeah? They're just - kids. They've got no idea what's goin' on here. The last thing we need is them getting mixed up with the, uh, _other_ side of this town." He grimaces. "Or tattlin' to the rest of the family about - well. _Everything._ "

"I understand that human children are soft and small and helpless." Shifty says, bobbing his head. "Easily damaged and susceptible to predators."

"Er. Yeah, well. You're not wrong."

"I have been defending the children." He inclines his head. "Though their curiosity makes it difficult. I have already had to convince Jeff the Gnome of the futility of revenge."

Stan blinks. "...How did the kids get mixed up with those weirdos?" "The gnomes attempted to make Mabel their bride."

The boat wobbles precariously with the force of Stan leaping to his feet. "They _what_."

"The gnomes have been made _very_ aware of their mistake." There is a telling glint in Shifty's rose-pink eyes. Stan is suddenly very aware of the size and sharpness of his claws. "I will protect what is mine."

"Good," is the only thing Stan can think to say. He sits down. " _Shit_."

"Uncle."

"Yeah, yeah. I know. I just. Hell," he covers his face with his hands. "I didn't think that they already - I didn't fucking _think._ I need to keep a better eye on 'em."

Shifty tilts his head in a surprisingly human gesture of confusion. Maybe not that surprising. "I am on guard, Uncle. As we have agreed upon. There is no need for your concern."

"Yeah," Stan says, and takes a breath. "Yeah, I know."

They sit in brief silence.

"It's not forgiveness," Stan says at last. "How I feel about Fidds. It's understanding. Doesn't mean I agree with 'im, doesn't mean I _like_ it, but… I get why he doesn't wanna get involved again. Ford or not."

Stan grimaces. "God knows the first time near ruined his life."

" _He left us_ ," Shifty hisses.

"Yeah, well. And look what Ford did to ya when you stayed." Stan lets out a breath. "Kid, I know you're workin' to get my brother back for more than just sentimental reasons."

"I no longer wish to hurt him," Shifty declares magnaminiously. A pause. "Much."

"Well, that's a relief," he says sardonically. "Would, uh, put a damper in things if we got him back after thirty years just for ya to go and break his arm."

Shifty stirs, in what would look like embarrassment on a more human-shaped creature. " _That was an accident_."

He stands up, the translucent-white jelly of his body darkening into skin and condensing into a far smaller frame, until he is again standing on two human feet.

"I no longer enjoy having our current conversation," Shifty says matter-of-fact. "I will hunt my prey until I no longer feel these emotions."

Thirty of years of playing guardian to his brother's alien bug kid had taught him the need for a whole lot of selective apathy. "You do that."

"I desire answers," Shifty intones, turning so that he was perfectly, dramatically silhouetted against the glare of the sun. "I wish to understand _why_ he chose as he did." With that, he steps forward and does a swan dive directly off the boat, cloth and skin rippling into something with scales and teeth in the split second before he hits the water.

...Oh, he was Ford's kid, alright.

"You and me both, kid," Stan sighs. "You and me both.")

**Author's Note:**

> since this will be a 5 + 1 fic kinda, my current plans for chapters are:
> 
> tourist trapped [done]  
> gobblewonker  
> dreamscaperers  
> bunker  
> society of the blind eye
> 
> and you guessed it
> 
> not what he seems


End file.
